DAY 5.  WRITE ABOUT ROLES YOU HAVE PLAYED AND HOW THEY DEFINE YOU TODAY

Think about your roles in your family, at school, at work, and elsewhere.

Select several roles from the list below that are relevant to you because they bring out strong feelings, either positive or negative.

Write a paragraph or more about each.

 

Attention-seeker               Babysitter                  Best friend

Breadwinner                      Bully                           Caretaker

Class clown                        Crybaby                     Delinquent

Employer                            Gang member          Healer

Helper                                 Loser                         Loudmouth

Martyr                                 Nag                            Shy one

Spoiled brat                      Stepchild                   Stepparent

Student                              Teacher                     Troublemaker

Winner                               Parent                        Sibling

                                            Child

​

After writing about as many roles as you wish, and any others you may find more to your liking, answer any or all of the following questions:

• What roles were you expected to play when you were young? Which roles do you now play?

• Is there one role that is/was most satisfying? Why?

• Is there a role that is/was very disappointing or difficult? Why?

• Is there a role you wish you could play out differently if you had the opportunity to redo your actions? What changes would you make?

• Is there a role you are still yearning to play?

 

Examples

Bully -- Admitting this is difficult, but I was and probably still am a bully. As a kid, I bossed some of my friends around. I don’t know where that came from. Maybe my dad. He had a demanding way about him when he spoke to my mother. I must have picked up on it because it seems that’s how I dealt with my friends. I must also have been told I was smart because I had a sense of superiority over my friends in that way, too. But mostly I could have my friends over to my house and yard to play or swim. My neighborhood friends had lots of kids in their families, so their homes, semi-attached brick ones with small yards, really couldn’t accommodate kids playing. My yard was just as small, but somehow my parents provided us with a basketball hoop, a swimming pool, and lots of games. I was in charge by the mere fact that it was my yard. As an adult, I think I lost my bullying ways for the most part. Though as a teacher I probably called on the behavior to reign in some uncooperative classes.

 

Caretaker -- Being a caretaker is a role I’ve played in different circumstances in my life. As a parent of two sons, I took on the obvious caregiving responsibilities. As the only daughter of an aging mother with Parkinson’s disease, I became a part-time caregiver. In the early stages, I visited her to help with daily care and assisting her in walking around the house. In its later stages when she was confined to bed, I prepared meals for the week for her, visited almost daily, and helped with bathing, cleaning, and toilet duties. From afar it seems like it would be difficult to do things like changing my mother’s diaper or soiled bed. But it simply was something I did because it had to be done. Like most people faced with such tasks, I did it without thinking or feeling too much. My mother needed it.

 

Martyr -- Playing martyr was common for me. If something didn’t go my way when I was a kid, I cried and felt sorry for myself and hoped my mother would notice and feel sorry for me, too. Usually it worked. Having two older brothers weighted most decisions in my favor. I have to admit now that, most of the time, I got what I wanted and they got the blame. I still use the martyr card today as an adult. But I tend to show my suffering by banging dishes and pots and pans around when I have to do dishes or cook and don’t want to or go silent when I’m not getting my way. Passive-aggressive is a good description of my behavior.

 

Shy one -- As a child, teenager, young adult, shy described me. I hid behind my mother and rarely spoke when I was around adults. With kids I spoke a bit more, but I still held back afraid of being laughed at or rejected. The same was true of my teenage years. I was okay in school talking with the teacher or with kids I knew for a long time. But I shied away from talking with new people. I just didn’t know what to say and didn’t want to say anything stupid. In college it really was tough because I made one or two friends in four years. It was a lonely existence. If not for sports and work, I would have no connections from that time. I finally came out of my shell when I worked at a clothing store and a sporting goods store. The people I worked with brought me out of it by reaching out to me and including me in their activities. Finally I felt I had found a group I belonged with and equaled. This helped me as I got into teaching and was able to hold my own and eventually become a leader on the job.

 

Teacher -- Looking back after thirty five years as a teacher I can finally say I did it well. But on-the-job I rarely patted myself on the back. It seemed that no matter how hard I worked and planned, I was not good enough. Always someone was better at it, so I thought. Reality though was different. We were all good, but at different things. What made the others seem better was that they were more popular, or more loudly popular. I noticed my colleagues who made it obvious that kids were gathering around their desks after school to get “extra help.” And made it obvious that they were making themselves extremely available to provide it, bending over backwards to be there for “the kids.” What I came to realize is that I provided the same extra help to kids as they, and maybe more, but I didn’t publicize my philanthropic work because it was my job.

 

Parent -- I am most amazed that I have been able to play the role of parent. I won’t make a judgement now, and maybe I never will. I guess only time will tell. What amazes me is that I knew what to do for my kids from the moment they came out of my womb. The thought of holding a minutes-old baby the proper way and making him feel loved is beyond my imagination, yet I did it. The idea that I took that baby home and could take care of him, nurture him, love him, and he survived, is beyond my imagination. And so, too, is the realization that I knew how to raise two babies to become delightful, amazing, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, handsome, loving young men.